What true womanly strength looks like

I am blessed to be around men who value what godly manhood looks like.  I am also blessed to be around their wives who display true godly womanhood.  My wife displays these qualities of a strong and godly woman...for that, I am very blessed.

I also see in the culture we live in, both secular and Christian, terrible examples of godly womanhood and a huge misunderstanding of what it looks like.

It seems the popular idea of the day is that a woman should value herself greatly because God values her greatly...He is "captivated" by her as the title of a popular book suggests.

The damage that this type of theology and thinking does to a woman and her marriage is impossible to understate!  There are so many marital issues that result from a woman finding her value and worth from the idea that God is mesmerized by her.

Rather than fleshing this out myself, I am posting a link to a conference sermon by John Piper on the issue.  He says it better than I ever could.  Click here

Husbands, you have been called

You may or may not know, but I was a Pastor of a church in Indiana for a short time.  After about a year or so I left the pastoral and am not sure if I will ever return.  My time in Madison IN was incredibly difficult, but that is not why I left.  In the end, it was a severe mercy that God led me through in understanding what it meant to be "called" to preach the word.

In the midst of the head Pastor leaving almost as soon as I got there (completely unexpected), the Holy Spirit  allowed me to feel something I had not even really thought of before, I am embarrassed to say.  I felt the weightiness of the call.  The weightiness that comes upon every Pastor who knows that he has been called by God and will one day give an account in two main overarching ways:

1.  Guard the good deposit....preach the word in truth, and all that entails.

2.  Shepherd the flock and all that entails.

I cannot overstate how massive and weighty and impossible (who is sufficient for these things?) it is to do this apart from the mercy and grace of God.  I also cannot go without pleading that you pray for your Pastors.  Pray for them constantly! Under their gentle and loving smile is a constant awareness that they are in a war and are doing battle, in the strength and mercy and grace of God for His word and your souls.

But that is not what I ultimately am writing about, so I want to move on.

Husbands you should feel the same, if not greater, weight of the call you have received to love your wife.


This truth almost knocked me over this morning in my quiet time.  It's amazing how you can know something to be true in your head, and if someone were to ever ask you about it agree without shock and with certainty.  And then God allows you to feel the glorious weight of its truth as you stand before Him and He charges you with it.

Let me flesh this out, primarily from Ephesians 5:25-33 and 2 Timothy 4:1-5.  Second Timothy 4 was the passage my dear brother in Christ David Kizziah preached at my ordination.  It is a great text for that occasion because it charges a man, before Christ and the church, to fulfill the two duties I mentioned above.

Ephesians 5 is the same charge placed upon every husband in his duty to love his wife as Christ loved the church.

Men, you are called by God to love your wives in such a way as to put Christ on display in the way He has loved and continues to love His church.  This love is sacrificial, sanctifying and Christ-centered....John Piper says it like this:

Husbands are told to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. How did he love the church? "He gave himself up for her." But why? "That he might sanctify and cleanse her." But why did he want to do that? "That he might present the church to himself in splendor"!-Desiring God

You are responsible to love your wife in such a way, that is sacrificial to yourself, for the sake of her sanctification.  You entered into this covenant when you read your vows, the Pastor asked you those very important questions, before God and in the presence of many witnesses, and you said "I do."

Oh, if I would have felt the weightiness of those two words as I said them!!!!  I knew it to be true, I knew what I was doing, but didn't feel the weight and responsibility of it before God.  I knew it, but I didn't know it!  Do you know what I mean?

Men, we are flawed and weak and with Paul as he faces the weight of his call will certainly say with ours..."who is sufficient for these things?"  Love my wife, but not as I know how to, but as Jesus loved the church!?!?!  How often I fail and in so many ways.

This will take mammoth amounts of grace, prayer, mercy and abiding in Christ!

What this looks like would take too much for this post, but let me at least say this:  Fight for your marriage.  Parish the thought of ever leaving or divorcing your wife, you are not permitted to do it, you can never be at peace with it.  God will hold you accountable.

If you are struggling now to love your wife and feel like it is impossible to love her, you very much know the "who is sufficient for these things?" aspect of what I am saying.  Please know that Christ is sufficient.  Christ has never and will never fail in His love for His bride, the church.  If you are in Christ, then your weakness is replaced with His strength, your inability to love is replaced by His ability, your insufficiency is replaced with His perfect sufficiency.  His love is in you to love your wife with.  And His love NEVER fails (1 Corinthians 13.)

Spank them well...con't

A short follow up on my most recent post in regards to spanking as a form of loving discipline.

In my opinion the goal of spanking or any form of discipline for that matter is to point your children to the fact that they are born in sin, under the headship of Adam (Romans 5:12).  Their nature is one of sin and rebellion and this will be expressed more and more without the intervention of God's grace, causing the "washing of regeneration."

One of the weightiest desires of heart is to hear John Mark and Amelia say to me "dad, why can't I seem to get it right...why can't I obey."  In the same way that God established the Law to create an awareness of sin, we need to discipline from the same motivation of heart.  If I do that, then when John Mark asks me why he can't seem to obey, then I can explain to him why when sin increases, grace increases all the more
(Romans 5:20)!

For myself, I know that there is rarely a day in which I have disciplined my kids, that I do not feel the twinge of shame knowing that I have disobeyed God more that day than my kids have disobeyed me.  If you have shared that same experience, it is helpful to remember that we are God's children and that He disciplines those He loves.

⁵ And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
    nor be weary when reproved by him.
⁶ For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.”

⁷ It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ⁸ If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹ Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? ¹⁰ For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. ¹¹  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  Hebrews 12:5-11

Spank them well

In an article today posted by Yahoo!, the author explains how research points to a link between spanking and mental illness.

In a Psych class at UF while studying statistics we were taught, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, that 66%    of statistics will say whatever you want them to say.  I think this is clearly the case in study such as this one.

Lots of scary statistics were thrown around along with the scary psych buzz words such as depression, mania and drug abuse.  They even managed to throw in a slight to God's word with a cute little twist on a saying about the "rod."

In an attempt to spare the further "wussification" of America, we have got to wake up and realize that the true damage we are doing to children is by not disciplining them.  This article is talking about spanking....it is at this point that a distinction must be clearly made in spanking that is constructive and spanking that is potentially damaging.

The difference is in discipline vs. punishing in anger.  Discipline is constructive and godly and is to be done from a heart of love, a love that is clear to the child because the reason and goal of the discipline is clearly explained.  Also, while discipline often comes in the form of spanking (when age appropriate) it can come in other forms as well.

Punishment in anger is detrimental to the overall health of a child...mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  The issue is the heart of anger that accompanies it.  This form of "punishment" can come in the form of spanking, but can come in other forms as well.

Parents, lets be clear.  Spanking does not hurt or damage your children.  It is any form of punishment, corporal or otherwise, that is done from a heart of anger....that's what screws your kids up.

God's word is clear "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" (Proverbs 13:24).

The smallest of approximations

If you're anything like me, you have found yourself in this perplexing scenario.

From time to time I find myself in a minor depression, feeling blue or whatever you want to call it.  The inevitable next step is typically self pity and the downward spiral continues...it can become quite severe.

God has given me some helpful insight to halt the spiral and recover more quickly before the blues get worse.  I have noticed, and seen this in others as well, that 80% of the time I can trace these feelings back to a single event.  It usually is somewhat significant, but not life shattering, and I simply failed to deal with it in a healthy way...I usually have failed to go through the ordeal in faith.

From then on it seems like the smallest things exponentially compound the feelings which stem from this one issue.  The kids are tough to manage....down I go, I start thinking how much further I would like to be in my career...down I go, I start thinking about my sinfulness and how I could be a better husband, father, worker...down I go.

Next thing I know I am in a full on funk, usually several days removed from the original ordeal that in itself was not incredibly significant, but by the smallest of approximations my life has been affected in an incredibly disproportionate way.


But praise be to God!!!!


I find it to be a glorious truth that our sanctification occurs in the same exact way!  I am so prone to look at the enormous amount of growth in sanctification that I so want to see take place in my life, it can truly be paralyzing to any Christian...


Then I read 2 Corinthians 3:18, 4:7 and see that if I will set my eyes on Jesus, if I will abide in Him, then He tells me that I will be made into His image from "one degree of glory to the next!" By the smallest approximations as I walk through my life, if I will set my gaze on Him in faith, He will carry out the upward spiral of sanctification.


What a promise to know the growth in grace we have in abiding.  It is also good to remember that while certain depressions are mush more complicated and severe, so often our funks and the blues are the result of a single event that has spiraled out of proportion and can be traced back to and overcome by readdressing it  in faith.

Useful vs. Fruitful

I have recognized in myself a strong desire over the years to be useful.  I am not talking about being productive....that is good and is much more objective.

What I am referring to is that deep seeded desire to do the thing (usually career based although I could certainly see a role like being a stay at home mom or dad, husband or wife falling into this category as well) that you place most value upon.  This becomes the paramount goal of life.

It is a subjective thing which probably varies from person to person and is also fluid, morphing and "evolving" withing a persons own mind and heart.

For me, this started off as missions I think, and then grew and changed over time as I grew and changed over time.  For me now (and it has been true for some years), I see counseling as the most useful thing that I can do.

I'm sure most of you, except possibly those who know my story well and can see where I am heading, are curious to see where I am going with this and how I could possibly see something wrong with a desire to be useful.  

Here is the problem...

Usefulness can become idolatry.  We find something as we grow and develop into adults which holds a value that is very deep in our constructs.  This thing becomes a treasure.  Then our hearts and own self-worth become so inseparable to it that unknowingly we begin to define ourselves by it.  If we do well in our usefulness then we are successful and happy.  If we do not do we well, if we fail to be useful, then we have failed as an individual and become discouraged, sad, depressed, etc. 

Here is the Good news...

We serve a God who is both Sovereign and FULL of grace, unlike our idols.  In the economy of God's providence He is the one who is working out all things according to the counsel of His own will.  He is the one who has defined usefulness to us.  Our only concern needs be "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God working in you both to will and to work for His good pleasure" Phil. 2:12-13.  

I have had to learn that whether I am a Missionary, Pastor, Teacher, Counselor or Insurance Salesman that my identity can only be found in the cosmic usefulness of Christ.  Because of that, I am called to to do one thing.  Abide in Jesus and bear fruit....wherever He has me.  "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide" John 15:16

If you are weary from the work of serving your idol of usefulness, turn to the nail pierced hands of Jesus who has done the useful work for you....his yolk is easy and burden light.  Abide and bear fruit, that is what your Savior calls you to.  

The Self-Esteem Gospel

From the kitchen star chart to the Therapists couch, Americans today, younger Americans more specifically, are being fed the same line of heresy....you are special (more special than others), you excel where you are average, you do well what you are poor at....you're good enough, you're smart enough and doggonit people like you!

This seems harmless enough, but the overall message is damaging and possibly damning.  We have placed an unhealthy emphasis on the self-esteem of others (mostly our kids).  Rather than truthful praise and constructive criticism, we just want others to feel better about who they are.

The most dangerous form of this self-esteem gospel is the blasphemous message that God is "captivated" by you.  You are the center of His world, and He has shown your inherent value, worth and beauty by sending His only Son to redeem you...you are worth it!  That is a lie from Satan himself and the damage it does to a young person is massive.

The most amazing thing about it is that the truth is even more mind blowing than the lie.  God does love you...God does delight in you...God does think you are beautiful...to the unfathomable extent that He loves, delights in and finds beauty in His Son!  That's a lot!

Here's the problem.  We are searching for a standard and rather than finding that standard in Christ...who is God, we strive to make ourselves the standard, or at least that we meet the one our society sets.  We make ourselves the center of the universe, we make ourselves God.  God is primarily concerned with one thing...His own glory.  You have one purpose....to be a vehicle to that end.  The nasty side of self-esteem is that if I am going to build mine up, I have to tear yours down....after all, there can only be one true god!

Who cares if you're not a genius and truly couldn't do "anything you put your mind to,"  who cares if your not incredibly attractive and just got rejected by some hottie, who cares if your not athletic, who cares if your not popular.  Worry and anxiety over these things leads to other things like depression, suicide, eating disorders, substance abuse, anger and the like.  STOP trying to increase your esteem in yourself and esteem Christ!  You are created with a purpose and every part (especially your shortcomings) of you was Created intentionally to bring glory to God in a way that only you can!  Remember, God uses the weak and foolish to shame the strong and wise...praise Him for that, I know I do daily.

In whatever you do, do to the glory of God...not your self-esteem.

Voting in a way that protects your heart and mind in Christ

It was brought to my attention by my wife and a good friend of mine that my previous post may have been innapropriate considering the venue and topic of my blog.  I thank them both for the advice, and have deleted the previous post. (The post was not appropriate because it was essentially an endorsement of a candidate and this is a blog about biblical counseling).

How we vote does have an effect on our heart and mind and the health of them.  My conviction regarding biblical counseling is based in the belief that all things are used by God in the life of Believers (Romans 8:28) and that everything a Believer does should be done in a way that seeks to bring glory to God (1 Corinthians 10:31). 

To say it another way...non organic counseling issues are the result of sin, either in the life of the individual or the world in general or both, and should be addressed by the true council of God's word.

Back to voting.  The Old Testament is full of examples of Israel getting into heart and mind trouble ie. sin, idolatry, oppression, exile, anxiousness and worry for the exact reason of seeking out leadership based on criteria other than faith in the Soveriegnty and wisdom of God.  They called leaders based upon physical appearance, wealth, the decisions of other Nations along with other things. 

We are obviously not in the same boat as them, but I believe the principles are the same.  We should seek to honor God by voting biblically.  This means looking at the candidates position on issues reflecting the sanctity of life, their morality, values and ethics.  I think this also includes things like foreign policy and war as well.

I am not saying we need to vote for who we would most want as our Pastor or even for a Christian!  I am saying that the Bible does inform us on things that should be of a high priority in our decision making process. 

What concerns me is all the attention on polls and "electability."  That is a mistake we cannot make.  It denies that God is Soveriegn and that the heart of the King is in the hands of the Lord to accomplish His purposes (Ezra 7:27-28 and others).

Whomever you vote for, please consider the Soveriegnty and glory of God at the poles.  He already knows whom He has chosen to lead the U.S for the next four years, we need to focus on pleasing Him by our choices in the ballot booth!

Men and fire

We often have our definition of what it means to be a man defined for us by our surroundings.  This leads to unmanly insecurity...my job is not enough, my income is not enough, my physical appearancxe is not enough.  Beware of a false identity!
 
In 2 Timothy Paul identifies a man as one who is worthy of entrusting the gospel to so that they may teach others.  In the "new" NIV, the translation of the verse to says to "entrust this to faithful 'people'." 

Men, you are the primary ones called to be faithful to be entrusted with the teaching of the gospel, and to entrust that teaching to other faithful men.
 
This weekend I met with faithful men who have been entrusted to teach the gospel, and with their sons who represent the next faithful generation of those who will guard this good deposit.

The fire burned, we played football, manhunnt, and capture the flag.  We grilled, we ate, and some more, but at the end of the LONG day, the gospel was proclaimed, taught and entrusted!

In the attitude of Paul, I say good job!  Do it more and more, continue to do so!  Do not lose your identity or the identity of your sons, to a worldly identification of what it means to be men...true men.

In other words, define yourself as Christ defines you.

Who's your daddy!?!?

I currently work for a local middle school who practices a wonderful educational philosophy.  They believe that the responsibility for a  students education is something to be shared and taken ownership of by the parent.  The school week is three days a week in class and two days a week being taught at home, with an increasing emphasis on a university-type model of responsibility placed on the student as they enter highschool.

I believe this creates an amazing dynamic in the educating process where "ownership" lies not only on the teachers, but on the parents and eventually the students themselves. 

The result seems to be a more advanced level of overall maturity and internal concreteness.  To say it another way, I see an advanced level of maturity that effects not only the mind, but the heart and soul as well.  They seem to know what they know and why at a fairly young age.

It has brought about in me a deeper conviction that I must be diligent and intentional to create spiritual teaching situations along the lines of Deuteronomy 6:7-9.

I am convinced that this type of intentional outpouring would have dramatic effects on the next generation of believers in America. 

It seems as though parents (dads in particular) have become content to pass the burden of responsibility of learning to the teachers, athletics to coaches, spiritual growth to youth Pastors, and the investment of time to the Playstation or iPod.  How do we expect our children to develop into "healthy" adults with so many and often contradicting influences?  Thank God for medication?

The resulting consequence of not practicing Deut. 6:7-9 is found in Deuteronomy 6:12-15.  If we do not do these things, we will forget the Lord who is in our midst and He will "destroy you form off the face of the earth." 

We are weak and unable to meet such a task-- I see this clearly in my own heart.  May we say humbly with Thomas "Lord I believe, help my unbelief" so that we may say with Paul "My grace is sufficient for you...Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."